Almost Everything

I almost told you I loved you. I don’t think I really do. I love the excitement of you.

I almost told you to kiss me there, and don’t stop or come up for air.

I almost told you I didn’t know how to do that one thing, so you’d do it for me.

I almost told you that you were hurting me.

I almost told you that I’m sorry.

I almost told you to stop.

I almost told you to take me away from here. As far away as you can. I’d quit school and move to Germany with you.

I almost told you I slept with him, and also him, and also him.

I almost told you to meet me out back after the show.

I almost told you to leave and never come back.

I almost told you I wanted a baby.

I almost told you I wanted a divorce.

I almost told you that I forgive you.

I almost told you that it wasn’t good enough.

I almost told you that I was married.

I almost told you that I didn’t care that I’m married.

I almost told you that I don’t care that you’re married.

I almost told you I’m glad it’s her and not me.

I almost told you that you don’t know what the fuck you’re doing.

I almost told you that both of my parents were addicts.

I almost told you that I slept in the same bed as my mom until I was 17 because my parents loved using me as a pawn.

I almost told you that you’re a selfish cow.

I almost told you that I hope you fall on your face.

I almost told you that I wasn’t going to have an abortion.

I almost told you I’m tired of watching you succeed.

I almost told you that I wanted to see you again.

I almost told you that I was kind of happy when we were in the backseat of your car at the drive-in, making out like teenagers under a blanket, and the windows were fogging up.

I almost told you that time at the beach when we ran across the sand as fast as we could made me feel like a whole person, and I never thanked you for that.

I almost told you that when you came to bed with me that night, my life changed, and for better or worse, I’m glad you did.

I almost told you that when you took my picture with my Polaroid camera, it was the first time I’d felt seen in years.

I almost told you that I don’t feel a goddamn thing anymore.

I almost told you that the reason we broke up was that you’re Black, and my racist dad was dying of cancer, and I felt guilty because I didn’t want him to disown me before he died.

I almost told you I think I’m better than you.

I almost told you that you’re a better person than me.

I almost told myself that if I just closed my eyes, it would go away.

I almost told myself to lie.

I almost told myself to tell the truth.

I almost told myself to endure it a little longer, because I didn’t technically say no, and surely it won’t last forever.

I almost told myself that I’m really ugly when I cry.

I almost told myself he was the one.

I almost told myself that someone would be willing to sacrifice for me.

I almost told myself that maybe they’d show up.

I almost told myself that love hurts.

I almost told myself to keep impressing him.

I almost told myself that he didn’t mean it.

I almost told myself that they tried their best.

I almost told myself that tomorrow would be kinder, if only I could last the night.

I almost told myself that I remembered things wrong.

I almost told myself that this was completely normal, and that everyone felt this way.

I almost told myself that I’m a whole person on my own.

I almost told myself that if I keep waiting, something good will happen.

I almost told myself to laugh so I didn’t cry.

I almost told myself that happiness was just a confession away.

I love you. I think I really do. I love the excitement of you.